Fully Seen

It was my birthday last week–a truly lovely day. You’ve gotta love the Facebook Birthday Reminder. I felt very held, loved and celebrated. A few girlfriends took me out the night before and showered me with love and then on my birthday itself, Andrew took me out for dinner. The location was a surprise. I love surprises.  I can relax if I have no idea where I’m going, how long it will take or when we’re supposed to arrive. I get giddy.

When we sat down, Andrew handed me a white envelope with ‘Heidi Rose’ written simply on the outside. I’ve received a number of cards and letters throughout our fifteen years together and it’s hard to explain but the way he writes my name, so simply, makes me melt a little. I knew immediately what was inside. I knew he’d written a poem. It was right about then that I started to cry.

Because by now, you all know, I love poetry. And then to have someone who writes poetry beautifully, loves me and sees me fully–well, bursting into tears before I even read the poem makes at least a little bit of sense. But really, I had no idea the gift I was about to receive.

When I met Andrew, he knew nothing about astrology and frankly was quite a skeptic. I told him I just needed him to be curious and willing to listen. He was definitely up for that.  But in the last 15 years, he’s done much more than listen. He’s learned my language and engaged in many astrological conversations. He’s even interpreted a few charts himself.

I began this Blog, in fact, with a poem (http://sherri NULL.machighway NULL.com/~heidiros/?p=340) he wrote me about my Leo Rising sign.

This poem is in many ways, a sequel. The first time I read it, I couldn’t speak. I just sat in the middle of a very open restaurant and continued to cry. The second time, I was laughing and crying. The third time I read it, I just sat looked at him and smiled. I didn’t really want to talk.

This is just to say I felt deeply seen. And something in this poem healed something in me that had been fractured for a long time.

Some of you have heard me talk about the Sun, Moon and Rising Sign in our charts. The Moon has to do with our past, our instinctual response and our habitual behavior.  The Sun is our present personality and how we will most likely expend our energy. And the Rising Sign has to do with our soul purpose. It is the rising aspect of ourselves– what we are calling in during this lifetime.

I am an Aries sun, Leo Rising and Capricorn moon. I often give my little Capricorn moon a rough time. Capricorn moon people can be emotionally reserved, overly controlling and a little too serious. Of course, we can also be determined, organized and willing to take on responsibility.

I tell you all this because this poem feels like a balm to a part of myself I’ve treated as an obstruction somehow and also a celebration of the strength and radiance that I know is possible to live and share.

Enjoy. Big love to you all.

***

The Birthday Present

I can’t imagine it was easy for the Goat
When she received the invitation to the April Fool’s party,
(which was of course a birthday party, too)
Knowing the Ram and the Lion would be hosting.
The Goat probably thought she was to be the Fool herself:
The serious one in the corner
As the others frolicked and jousted.

The Lion has her quiet moments,
She probably thought
As she readied herself to go,
Trying to forget the Lion’s preening, feline ways.

And the Ram keeps things lively,
Not quite remembering that
Those curving antlers clacked and stung.

So she took a breath,
Her soft flanks puffing gently out,
And picked her sure-footed way across the heavens
Till she found her place behind the waning half-moon.

She found them in a meadow of stars.
The sight, it must be said, was awesome.
In the darkness,
The Ram’s quick hooves struck sparks on the stones,
And the Lion’s grace brought tears to the Goat’s eyes;
An incandescent pair, trampling the sod beneath their feet.

The Goat settled in, watchful;
Her head high, a wry smile on her lips
Vigilant, bemused, comic, even
Her light fur falling in unkempt tresses.

The others were still. It was awkward.

The distant cry of a newborn baby girl broke the silence.

The Lion’s head swiveled;
A whuffing sound deep in her throat,
Suddenly majestic, her vanity banished,
Her heart beating strong and true.

The Ram’s feet took root in the Earth,
His throbbing temples cooled;
His gaze turned soft and wise.

The two fiery ones watched, transfixed,
As the Goat rose to her feet,
And began her ascent toward the new girl’s cries, step by step,
Determined at first,
But now stepping, now leaping, now bounding,
Unafraid, joyful, regal, even,
On four cloven hooves,
On sturdy, tireless knees.