Hammock Mondays – Losing it

~A new commitment to meet myself and you in the hammock each week~

So I wrote a blog (http://sherri NULL.machighway NULL.com/~heidiros/2010/playing-dead/) last Monday in which I pretty much invoked a flood. I wrote that I was tired of feeling closed down and was ready for whatever it took to feel fully alive. I welcomed the change Gods into my life.

And just a day or two later, I got exactly what I asked for.

Cross fade to me entering the Mac store. (My computer started malfunctioning on Friday. It was slow and ornery and none of the applications would open. I made an appointment at the Genius Bar that afternoon). Let’s just say I pretty much walked in and said to the guy, “Erase my entire hard drive without backing it up. I need that experience.”  Of course I didn’t say that. But in a way I did. And in fact, I hadn’t backed up much of anything for about 18 months. When the very kind and helpful Mac guy realized what we’d both done through a horrible series of miscommunications, he turned a bit white and apologized.

I sobbed all the way home. I called Andrew and sobbed. I called Maria and sobbed. And then I got home, changed clothes and hosted a dinner party. Our dear friends, Blaed and Colin (http://sherri NULL.machighway NULL.com/~heidiros/sites-i-love/) were coming over and I wanted it to be a great evening. Andrew poured me a glass of wine. I took a sip, took a deep breath and suddenly felt…..well, light.

I looked around and thought ‘everyone is alive. The house is standing. I am happy in my life. I just have to begin afresh.’  And by that I mean, I have to re-write a LOT.

This, of course, has been an incredibly prolific and fulfilling last 18 months. I’ve led two retreats (http://sherri NULL.machighway NULL.com/~heidiros/retreats/). I’ve taught 4 on-line classes. I’ve created new material for the classes. And had a glorious writing retreat in Ojai where I wrote about 25 pages of a new book and this poem (http://sherri NULL.machighway NULL.com/~heidiros/2010/writing-poetry-again/) and this one (http://sherri NULL.machighway NULL.com/~heidiros/2010/from-krishnamurtis-pepper-tree-retreat-in-ojai/). The poems are what remain because I posted them. Everything else is gone.

But here’s the deal.  All the writing of the last 18 months was practice. Now I get to write the real stuff.

When Kate met me at the door because Andrew told her I was really upset, she hugged me and kissed me and said she was so sorry. She was lovely. Later I sat with her and told her the story of Nelson Mandela. I told her how he had written an entire manuscript over several years while he was in prison and how guards discovered it and destroyed it. And then I told her how–though it took him another several years — he wrote it again. This is the copy that made it out into the world.

I told her about how Elizabeth Gilbert (http://elizabethgilbert NULL.com/) in her book Commitment describes trashing a 500 page manuscript she wrote after Eat, Pray, Love because she realized it just wasn’t her voice. She started afresh and wrote Commitment. She said not one word was the same.

Both stories served as necessary inspiration as I noted over the next days exactly what was gone.

I’ve spent the weekend recovering pictures. My dear friends have sent many my way. I was able to recover many of the recordings as well. My astrology program is re-installed and I have a bright orange rose as the picture on my desk top. And, I’ve also planned another writing retreat for next weekend. (I planned the retreat, in fact, before all this went down). Interesting.

So, in the spirit of invoking that which keeps us on our toes and fully feeling, I’ll head off this Saturday to face the blank screen. May the writing Gods dance with me to bring clarity, vision and LIGHT.