The Glorious Wretchedness of each Astrological Sign

It made me smile to write that title. It’s the first time I’ve smiled in a number of hours. I’m definitely on the out-of-sorts side. It’s some combination of grumpy, anxious and impatient. My house is a mess. I don’t feel far enough along with all my summer work plans. I want to be writing SOMETHING every day. And our appliances are breaking one by one.

On a completely different note, often when I do an astrology reading, my clients will say, “But this sounds so POSITIVE.” (They say this almost in distress, I might add). Then, they ask me to point out where the wretchedness lies. I say, “I can absolutely do that, but what’s the point? Let’s focus on possibility.”

I do feel that way. But sometimes I think it’s refreshing to name the dark, sticky, wretched places. With that in mind, let’s take a journey through the signs and see if we can name the places where we all turn into grumpy, anxious, impatient freaks.

I think I’ll offer the wretchedness up in the form of an inner monologue. For a complete picture of your own wretchedness, read your sun, moon and rising sign:

ARIES: Why is everyone so SLOW? Why hasn’t everything I have planned happened yet???  Hurry up. HURRY UP!! The world’s PACE is ridiculous. Okay then, I’ll just force it. I’ll just push through. I’ll just do it NOW. My head hurts. I’m mad. I’d like to punch a wall. I’d like to punch your head.

TAURUS: I’m staying in bed. And I’d like to eat a lot today. Don’t you dare think of moving me. I’ll be right here in this pile of pillows and comforters for the next 24 hours. I will be grazing on twinkies, red wine and pasta. Do NOT suggest anything else. I have made up my mind. I must and will be comfortable. Do you have any good video games?

GEMINI: Oh GOD. I have 3,000 things to do today. I’ll make a list. No I’ll make 4 different lists. Oh, is that my phone? Maybe I can talk and type at the same time. Busy. Busy. Busy. I have to think about my work. But maybe I should think about thinking about my work. I’m not sure I have time to think about it. I’m not breathing. I wonder how the breathing process actually works in the body. I’ll look that up.

CANCER: Leave me alone. Don’t say a word. Whatever you say is bound to hurt. So, just go away. I’ll be hiding in my sink cabinet. It’s dark and warm and no one will suspect I’m there. I need to think about my past and how Gertrude said that horrible thing to me when I was 7. It still hurts. It’s my mother’s fault. Why is everyone so insensitive. Do not ask me to come out. It’s dangerous out there.

LEO: Me me me me me me me glorious me me me me. Why isn’t everyone looking at me? I’m beautiful. I don’t get it. I have an extraordinary number of talents. I do everything well. Would you like to hear me sing? Do you like my hair? Aren’t I brilliant? Why aren’t I in charge of everything. I should be. WHY AREN’T I FAMOUS YET!!!!?????

VIRGO: I find your appearance in this moment to be upsetting and distasteful. Would you like me to help you look more presentable? I can edit your paper too. It’s full of typos. And have you thought about taking this supplement? It will help your complexion. It’s too bad you are such a wreck. Actually, don’t tell anyone, but it’s too bad I’m such a wreck. I think I’ll spend the rest of the day beating myself up for all my imperfections.

LIBRA: How are you feeling? I need to know so I know how I’m feeling. It’s really all about you. Who am I after all? I need you. But maybe I don’t. I really can’t decide. I think I’ll weigh my options for about 5 years. How are you now? I’m just not sure how I am. Let’s not do anything decisive. That would be unsettling. I just want to be nice. Do you like me?

SCORPIO: I’d like to sever your head from your body right now. I’m pissed. I’m really pissed. And you will pay. Did you really think you could get away with that? Guess what I can see right now? NOTHING…except RED and RAGE. The whole world is BLACK. There’s no hope. It’s all a battlefield. Why doesn’t anyone see that? It’s all over. There’s no light at the end of this very long bleak tunnel.

SAGITTARIUS: Why do I have to take on ANY RESPONSIBILITY to anyone or anything? I want FREEEEEEEDOM. I want to drive fast and follow desire. I want big risks and big adventure. And I’d rather not be bothered with OBLIGATION. And by the way, this is the TRUTH. This is how to live. I KNOW how to live. This is the ONE and ONLY TRUTH. Why doesn’t everyone get that I KNOW THE WAY. It’s annoying. I need to be SATIATED NOW.

CAPRICORN: I’m alone in the world– the only one who is responsible in any way. I’ll have to climb alone. I’ll have to do everything everyone else has no desire to do because I’m the only one capable of doing it.  Of course I seem cold. I’m the only one who knows just how serious life is. Do I have to parent EVERYBODY? All the time?

AQUARIUS: I guess I’m destined to be a lone wolf. I’m so original, so unique, so authentic that there’s really no one like me. I’m really the only one that is objective about anything. Everyone else is so tied up in the morass of the emotional life. I am clear. But it kind of sucks to be so ahead of my time. I just see everything long before anyone else. I’ll just have to wait for everyone to catch up.

PISCES: Oh GOD, I’m so depressed. It’s all so overwhelming. I just want to disappear. The world is too harsh. It’s too painful. It’s too much. I feel EVERYTHING. It’s not at all like I imagined it would be. It’s just not coming together the way I hoped. I just need to numb out. Everything is falling apart anyway. I’m just going to stay home and cry for a few days. I’m so alone.

There we have it, my friends– an astrological tale of wretchedness.

Perhaps if we can laugh at ourselves a bit, we can get a little distance. I, for one, feel 100% better.

Big love.

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